How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
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God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.