Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
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[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
I forgot how to panic. Help
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”