I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
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Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.