Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
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“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
@ candidates for local office
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.