Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
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The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Cake!!
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no