I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
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[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.