[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
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R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’