Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
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comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
This is my favorite one of these!
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.