Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
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Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.