[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
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People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
This is I, Robot all over again
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.