(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
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please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
(True)
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee