Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
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I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
remember
only for emergencies
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Oh yeah that’s it
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY