ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
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Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
best review i’ve ever seen
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*