*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
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[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.