[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
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It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Tough love is true love
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Challenge accepted.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room