*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
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The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*