You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
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Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Rather alarming headline…
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Weirdos gonna weird.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.