[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
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The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Encore…
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!