The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
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I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.