I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
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Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.