Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
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*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains