It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
You Might Also Like
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”