My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
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My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Are you ok, human???
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat