6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
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The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Ironic
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”