Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
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Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.