Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
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My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.