I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
You Might Also Like
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.