I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
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Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn鈥檛 they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I鈥檓 being repossessed.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I鈥檝e ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What鈥檚 exactly your problem 馃槶
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that鈥檚 right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it鈥檚 fine
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”