[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
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Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
The happy life.. 😊
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.