Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
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When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.