Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
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It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat