BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
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One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
I am HOWLING at this
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan