EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
You Might Also Like
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
pelicons
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…