reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
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There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!