$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
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Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.