Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
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Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
That stupid look on my face, is my face
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg