“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
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Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
choose your fighter
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?