last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
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I’d hang this in my house.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
“What movie?” 🤔
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT