worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
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My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.