whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
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Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.