*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
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Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Tuesday
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
New menu item
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.