me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
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ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
😆this is so true
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Genius idea!!
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!