I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
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GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
From Facebook just now…
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.