Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
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April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
sleeping beauty
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?