😂💯
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Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
People buying plungers never look happy.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”