If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
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If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.