(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
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Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”