Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
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Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
[the middle of showering] I need a break
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.