a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
You Might Also Like
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
The Others (2001)
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.