the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
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Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside